I am a planner! I just want to clarify that up front, I'm not trying to hide it. I am a planner! My mom is a planner, my best friends are planners, and I am a planner. I firmly believe that you can think anything through long enough to make it fit into a neat little plan.... Well, usually.
Thanks to a certain man (my husband) I have begun to succumb to the sickening fact that maybe... just maybe... I can't plan everything. So far, I've been living my life in one neat little pattern after another. School was a very easy 4 year plan, then I planned to move into my full time career (check), then I planned to get married (check), then I planned to have kids.... I didn't plan on having "amendments" to the plan... but I have learned to cope with those few changes.
What I never planned on was having to incorporate anyone else into those plans that wouldn't just jump on board. I mean, if I plan to have a fairytale princess wedding, the other party should just jump on board. No! If I plan to renovate the bathroom between March and September of the first year of living in the house (also have a wedding during that time), the other party should just get on board. No! If I plan to start having kids at a certain date to ensure that birthdays are spread throughout the year, the other party should definitely jump on board. No! If I plan just to go visit the family in Illinois for a weekend, the other party should just hop in the car. No! If I plan to plan, everyone should be on board. No!
OK, I've heard of compromising.... just never really been very big on it. I mean, I lived on my own for 6 years, took good care of myself, and never had to make any compromises then. Obviously I'm pretty good at making decisions (well, most of the time) so why don't other people just go along with what I say? (OK, obviously I've had to compromise in my professional life a lot.) So, by other people I mostly mean my stubborn husband. He will undoubtedly tell you I'm the stubborn one, but i don't think so.
Even now, as I type, we are in a deep negotiation process. Trying to compromise on what our future plan should look like for the next year. I've found that trying to plan any further out in my life is somewhat futile at this point, besides I'm going to have to adapt that plan anyways. So... we are in deep negotiation. Should we travel and relish this time as a couple? Should we settle down and start planning our family? Should we split the year 50/50? Seems frivolous and unnecessary to a non-planner like my husband, but this is huge for me.
I want to know the plan so that I can make decisions about my life, my job, myself. Yeah - I heard a lot of me, me, me in that. This is what happened one day in the last few weeks, I was complaining to myself in the kitchen one day and noticed this trend of me, me, me. "What is wrong with me?" I have completely turned into a whiny brat, totally negating the existence of the other person in my life. What is he, chopped liver? Nothing? I couldn't believe that this was the attitude I'd taken on, solely because I hadn't gotten my way. I was like a 5 foot 10 inch Two Year Old!
I start to wonder, did I miss the lessons in school on compromise? On learning how to share (a life in this case)? No, i clearly remember teachers telling me about this stuff. What they didn't teach me was that when two people become like one (marriage or a serious commitment), it is not to say that their thoughts, ideas, attitudes, and values become one. What? Seriously? I mean, i was completely misled. What about "What's mine is mine, and what's yours is mine"? That isn't true either?
So yes, this may seem a little ridiculous. That is that point. For all those women (or men) who get hung up on making a plan, trying to stick to that plan, and then facing resistance from the people who love them the most.... your plan is NOT the only plan. Your way is NOT the only way. Your thoughts are NOT the only thoughts that matter. Hard to deal with when you've been independent for so long, a rising theme in young women it seems. Compromise is one of the hardest, most challenging, yet rewarding things you will learn to do in your personal life.
OK - I didn't get the fairytale princess wedding, but I got a beautiful wedding that showcased my groom and I. I don't have a stylishly remodeled bathroom.... yet, but at least the mauve carpet got tossed right away. I don't have any kids yet, but fingers crossed I get a dog that travels well. And maybe I'm not sticking to My plan, but our plan is unfolding under my feet everyday. Its not a very well defined plan, my husband isn't big on defining things, but there are boundaries to give us some guidance. And believe it or not, letting some things just happen in life is really fun... some things.... not everything. I mean you have to plan shopping trips, girl time, and romantic getaways (those three things MUST be planned).
PS - I have also come to grips with the fact that ridiculous ultimatums do NOT work as compromise i.e.: Either we get a dog or have a baby! Not a very good way to "compromise". Sorry about that one dear!
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