the J word: Jealous

Have you heard of the 7 deadly sins? Well, this should be one of them, Jealousy!

Jealousy: a secondary emotion and typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values, particularly in reference to a human connection. Jealousy often consists of a combination of presenting emotions such as anger, sadness, resentment and disgust.

I am sure that all of us experience jealousy at some point in our lives, but the last few years I have seen things that I can't believe. Jealousy from myself and others, over the most ridiculous things ever!

One such thing happened this last weekend. I caught up with two of my favorite gals this last weekend. One of my single & free gals, and one of my new mommy gals. It was wonderful to see them both, and funny to see how much we have all changed and stayed the same all at once. What was odd was this weird jealousy thing that i kept feeling.

Lets start with my single gal pal... how lucky is she? Still able to roam free, go where she wants, do what she wants... play on the jungle gym even (ha ha!). Don't get me wrong, I love my husband, but there are days that I wish what I decided only affected me...that if i wanted to wake up and drive home for the weekend I wouldn't have to worry about what my husband thought or had planned. I could spend my money on new shoes or purses without thinking "I should save this money for house projects". Nope, not anymore.... every time I pick up a new pair of shoes i see my Husband's face looking like "Really, another pair? Isn't 30 enough?" He means well i guess, I do end up saving money. But I am jealous of her freedom... her ability to do whatever she wants at her own whim.

What's funny about me being jealous of my single friend, is that as we catch up at dinner she is telling me how much she wishes she was settled and married. Believe me, this is nothing to be jealous of.... I tell her its a lot of work & she gets all dreamy eyed. I tell her that now I know all my husband's gross secrets... does she really want to marry someone that could wake her up in the middle of the night with a fart?? (love you dear, but really?? really??)

In the same day I also spent time with my mommy gal pal, and it was awesome. This, the once crazy and wild gal who helped me get into so many crazy situations, is now a devoted and loving mother. Its amazing! You can literally feel the love just being in the same room as her. She has the sweetest baby AND he likes me! As he napped on my chest that afternoon I couldn't help but envy her, not jealous, but envious. Knowing that some day I will have that, but I will have to wait so I enjoyed the occasion while I could. Her sister on the other hand has turned everything positive and beautiful about this special little guy into a competition.

It was repulsive how someone older, wiser, and a more experienced mother (two kids of her own) could display such jealous behavior. Everything was a one up situation. Nothing my friend did was good enough or right in her eyes. Where is the sisterly love? Where is the sisterly guidance? Where is the sisterly camaraderie about the gross baby stuff nobody tells you? It was so sad to see this ugliness totally ruining a huge opportunity to bond & share in such a wonderful moment. I was revelling in the opportunity & envious, but the one who should have been sharing the moment was blinded by jealousy.

Such an odd weekend... so many emotions tied up into such a short time. It really balanced me though, gave me some perspective on the great things in my life. It is really easy to get sidetracked in what is important in life, but it just goes to show you that everyone struggles with what is important. Married girls want to be single for a day, single girls want to be married. Mom's & sisters may clash, and friends want babies too when a new one comes into the world. But really, its about finding the balance between what you have & want you want in a constructive way. Its about being able to have wants and desires without getting so bogged down with jealousy that it ruins a perfectly good opportunity to share in someone else's success & happiness.

Best Made Plans:Meet the "Compromise"

I am a planner! I just want to clarify that up front, I'm not trying to hide it. I am a planner! My mom is a planner, my best friends are planners, and I am a planner. I firmly believe that you can think anything through long enough to make it fit into a neat little plan.... Well, usually.

Thanks to a certain man (my husband) I have begun to succumb to the sickening fact that maybe... just maybe... I can't plan everything. So far, I've been living my life in one neat little pattern after another. School was a very easy 4 year plan, then I planned to move into my full time career (check), then I planned to get married (check), then I planned to have kids.... I didn't plan on having "amendments" to the plan... but I have learned to cope with those few changes.

What I never planned on was having to incorporate anyone else into those plans that wouldn't just jump on board. I mean, if I plan to have a fairytale princess wedding, the other party should just jump on board. No! If I plan to renovate the bathroom between March and September of the first year of living in the house (also have a wedding during that time), the other party should just get on board. No! If I plan to start having kids at a certain date to ensure that birthdays are spread throughout the year, the other party should definitely jump on board. No! If I plan just to go visit the family in Illinois for a weekend, the other party should just hop in the car. No! If I plan to plan, everyone should be on board. No!

OK, I've heard of compromising.... just never really been very big on it. I mean, I lived on my own for 6 years, took good care of myself, and never had to make any compromises then. Obviously I'm pretty good at making decisions (well, most of the time) so why don't other people just go along with what I say? (OK, obviously I've had to compromise in my professional life a lot.) So, by other people I mostly mean my stubborn husband. He will undoubtedly tell you I'm the stubborn one, but i don't think so.

Even now, as I type, we are in a deep negotiation process. Trying to compromise on what our future plan should look like for the next year. I've found that trying to plan any further out in my life is somewhat futile at this point, besides I'm going to have to adapt that plan anyways. So... we are in deep negotiation. Should we travel and relish this time as a couple? Should we settle down and start planning our family? Should we split the year 50/50? Seems frivolous and unnecessary to a non-planner like my husband, but this is huge for me.

I want to know the plan so that I can make decisions about my life, my job, myself.  Yeah - I heard a lot of me, me, me in that. This is what happened one day in the last few weeks, I was complaining to myself in the kitchen one day and noticed this trend of me, me, me. "What is wrong with me?" I have completely turned into a whiny brat, totally negating the existence of the other person in my life. What is he, chopped liver? Nothing? I couldn't believe that this was the attitude I'd taken on, solely because I hadn't gotten my way. I was like a 5 foot 10 inch Two Year Old!

I start to wonder, did I miss the lessons in school on compromise? On learning how to share (a life in this case)? No, i clearly remember teachers telling me about this stuff. What they didn't teach me was that when two people become like one (marriage or a serious commitment), it is not to say that their thoughts, ideas, attitudes, and values become one. What? Seriously?  I mean, i was completely misled. What about "What's mine is mine, and what's yours is mine"? That isn't true either?

So yes, this may seem a little ridiculous. That is that point. For all those women (or men) who get hung up on making a plan, trying to stick to that plan, and then facing resistance from the people who love them the most.... your plan is NOT the only plan. Your way is NOT the only way. Your thoughts are NOT the only thoughts that matter. Hard to deal with when you've been independent for so long, a rising theme in young women it seems. Compromise is one of the hardest, most challenging, yet rewarding things you will learn to do in your personal life.

OK - I didn't get the fairytale princess wedding, but I got a beautiful wedding that showcased my groom and I. I don't have a stylishly remodeled bathroom.... yet, but at least the mauve carpet got tossed right away. I don't have any kids yet, but fingers crossed I get a dog that travels well. And maybe I'm not sticking to My plan, but our plan is unfolding under my feet everyday. Its not a very well defined plan, my husband isn't big on defining things, but there are boundaries to give us some guidance. And believe it or not, letting some things just happen in life is really fun... some things.... not everything. I mean you have to plan shopping trips, girl time, and romantic getaways (those three things MUST be planned).

PS - I have also come to grips with the fact that ridiculous ultimatums do NOT work as compromise i.e.: Either we get a dog or have a baby! Not a very good way to "compromise". Sorry about that one dear!

Men: Growing Down & Keeping It Real

In my young life as an aspiring wife, mother, and career woman, I have always thought of myself as getting an education in "Growing Up". Not that I'm extremely good at acting grown up, but I like to think I've learned how to take care of myself, my responsibilities, my home, and now my husband. It seems the natural realm of things, to learn and grow and take on more "things".... Evidently I missed the memo on men NOT following the same pattern.

The same person that I love and respect and cherish, is also the same person that drives me nuts with his endless messes and incapability to manage "things"... Here is an example, when my husband was living on his own he regularly took out the trash and washed the dishes. He was able to do laundry, vacuum the floors, and even cut the grass. Well, he was able to accomplish these things before I started staying more frequently. Slowly, ever so slowly, i noticed a decline in his performance of said "things". It seems weird, but it took me several months... no maybe over a year to really stop and realize what was happening to him.

My current job requires that a travel... A LOT! So, generally i am on the road 3 to 4 days a week. At first I didn't notice what was happening at home... but then one week of being away I came home to the following:

The Bathroom - A complete wreck. Two used toilet paper roles on the counter, the garbage overflowing, toothpaste and whiskers all over the sink, and I'm not even going to mention the toilet and shower.

The Kitchen -Dirty dishes stacked up to the cupboards above and the sink completely full, the dishwasher empty, the garbage completely full,and  the fridge void of anything to cook. The one positive is that he didn't starve while I was gone, at least he remembers how to cook (frozen pizza mainly).

The Living Room - I will lay off the living room, it is somewhat of a husband's sanctuary. His lone chair is allowed to look lived in and worn, the stash of candy bar wrappers and pop bottles is slightly excessive, but its his little oasis in the barrenness of life without his wife at home.

The Bedroom - Piles upon piles upon piles of dirty laundry, well I think it is dirty... but he resorts to the SNIFF test to be sure.... Yuck! What is it with men? They think it is ok to rely on a nose that has probably gotten used to their stench of dirtiness to chose what is clean enough to wear?? No, clearly it is not!

It just baffles my mind, the things that men consider acceptable behavior. More baffling is how women like me can huff & puff, nag and nag, and stomp around the house all while the males in our lives think nothing is wrong. In fact in one of my crazy rants, approximately 3 minutes after stepping in the door from a 4 day stint away, he looks at me and smiles... actually breaks into hysteria.... he thinks I'm funny!! What? I tell him he's crazy, disgusting, a pig even. His response "I love it!".

How? How? How can i have missed this "unique" quality? And even more astonishing, my husband thinks I'm the one with the problem. I'm too OCD about my spaces, too particular about the parts of everyday that don't make a life.... What??? So... I decide if you can't beat em', join em'. What do you know.... letting the laundry pile up (which he has been doing on his own for approximately 8 weeks) on the bedroom floor isn't all that bad.... although sometimes i think i can see it move on its own! Clean dishes? Well, I've got 3 sets of everyday dishes before i really need to do any. :-) (I can't bring myself to dirty the everyday dishes AND break out the fine china.) And, I've even let the whiskers get scattered over the sink for 2 or 3 days before cleaning them up. (I can't however let the bathroom get much worse than that) Heck - as i type this, the grass hasn't been cut in almost 3 weeks! Yeah, I've let my hair down!

 Needless to say, I've learned to let go just a little. Its not about having a perfect home, its about having a perfectly good time living. I find that my guilt on choosing a night on the couch with my husband instead of cleaning the floors has slowly gone away. And let me tell you what, slacking off and having frozen pizza instead of a home cooked meal is OKAY! Heck, skip the frozen pizza and just order it... then you don't even have to turn the oven on, dirty a pan, or break out a plate if you don't want to!

So.. really, even though my husband is older then me and supposed to be the more grown up individual... its ok that he's not the so-called "Grown Up" he should be. He has this annoying ability to remind me of what is really important... as he sits in his favorite chair, belching after a Dr. Pepper Cherry and 3 slices of Casey's Pizza, glued to a football game. What is real and important here is collecting the memories in our lives and stashing them away, not collecting the dust bunnies and throwing them in the trash. Thank goodness for men who don't have a care in the world... well at least the house!

For the Love of Football

Football: a noun.Google dictionary describes football as: a form of team game played in North America with an oval ball on a field marked out as a gridiron. Nebraskans describe it as: a passion, a display of honor, pride, & glory, a family tradition, and an example of athletic excellence. As a girl who grew up in a small town in Illinois that preached football so much I grew to hate it, how have I become one of these Nebraskans that lives for football season?

It's my husband's fault! :-) For the first few years of school i resisted the urge to care about the Husker football team. I proudly wore around Illinois shirts on Husker game days just to spite these Native Nebraskans.... they didn't care, they just stood taller & stronger in defense. Then I met my husband.... he was a complete fanatic! I'd never met a football fan like this.

He had me fooled at first. We started dating in the summer, so a happy routine was established of Friday night and Saturday dates, with lazy Sunday afternoons perusing the mall or Target (my favorite). Then all of a sudden in early September, he didn't want to do anything on a Sunday afternoon, and he wanted to stay home all day Sunday. After getting past the initial shock of being turned down and beating myself up with all the thoughts a girl has when she thinks she's on the verge of getting dumped, he called me back. "If you bring pizza over we can watch TV. The game is is on." Huh? What game? Didn't matter, I brought pizza just so we could hang out.

Little did i know that on Sunday the phrase, "the game is on", meant the whole day is considered one big game, and we are going to watch at least 4-5 separate football games throughout the afternoon and evening. There is ABSOLUTELY NO stealing of the remote, not even when trying to flirt or be cute, there is always another game on when one is on commercial, and if not we scan ESPN online to keep up to date on the games we can't get. At the end of that particular Sunday i was absolutely repulsed, yuck!  We spent almost 8 hours together, and I got a "Hi", "You want a plate for that pizza?", "Can I get another piece?", "I'm going to bed". I swore him of, then and there.

I avoided him all week, the next weekend he sends me a text something along the lines of the Husker game is on. Ok, this is his last shot, this has to go better than last weekend since there is only one Husker game. It was a little better, we only switched to other games during commercials, and he was entertaining as this time he yelled at the TV the whole game. "Find a route!" "Run the damn ball!" "False start? learn your own counts!" "Holding, ref are you blind? That was a Hold!" Plus a few other obscenities and exuberant comments I won't repeat. I've never laughed so hard in my life!

Fast forward a few months... this guy is a huge Packers fan, so i decide during the Packers vs Bears game to really break out the Bears gear stashed in my closet (I own it b/c I'm from Illinois, I don't really watch games). I'm starting to really get into our football Sundays, talking a lot of smack, eating pizza, having a beer, and laying on the couch all day. I'm even getting familiar with some of the big names in the league. Woot woot!! This Sunday was awesome, a full out battle between our two favorite teams and between who's smack talk is better. "Quarterback sack, take that Favre!" "Jennings to the end zone! Eat dirt Bears!" On Sunday's you would never know we even liked each other...

Fast forward 3 years... I made sure to schedule myself to be working in my base office, so that i can be home for the regular season opener of the Packers on Thursday night. We've both got our brand new Green Bay Packers t-shirts on, and rooting for the defending National Champs in their regular season debut (Yes, I've committed the ultimate sin if you're from Illinois. I've converted, although I still root for the Bears when they play the Pack just because I can). I think I actually yelled louder at the TV than my husband did. Friday night we made it to my husband's former High School's second game of the season, definitely not very impressive, but still really fun. Saturday, a full day of Husker football activities with the CASNR Alumni Football reunion for the first night game of the season. Four tumultuous hours of highs, lows, yelling, chanting, cheering for the team that bleeds Husker red. Surrounded by 80,000+ others who love, cherish and are passionate about the same team I am. Hearing myself yell out "Make a tackle, wrap em' up!" I have to laugh! This is the girl who 3 years ago almost swore off a guy for the same thing.

Now, here on a Sunday in early September I sit with my computer up and rolling; one tab on the blog, one tab on ESPN, my husband running the remote, the NFL Sunday ticket working hard between games so we never miss a beat. I still can't read how an offense or defense is set up, but i know when someone really missed a block or ran the wrong route. Part of the thrill of Sundays is scanning every NFL team for a former Husker, checking up on them, seeing how their doing - like checking up on the family. I love football, its about perseverance and endless strategy. It can turn you into a babbling fool at times with all the random, nonsense trivia you know... that was directed at my husband. Ask him what the score was in the 96' Fiesta Bowl? Nebraska 62 vs Florida 24 "We beat the S*** out of them!", he says it with enthusiasm every single time, like it just happened. Let me remind you that he was 12 when this happened, he is now 28.... does this seem odd to any else besides me??

He played football, bled football, loved football. Spend enough time around him or any Nebraskan like him and it will rub off on you too! It's what we do in this state. We get our posse together and break out the grill or call up the pizza delivery boy (or girlfriend if she is kind enough to put up with you). We yell and rant and rave at the TV. We use football as an excuse to get the family together and to see long lost friends.... Football is life! We spend the rest of the year reliving the season and making our predictions for next season. We watch the young kids play in the yard and mimic their football heroes, we watch the high school kids grow and perfect their skills and ponder who will play college ball. We watch our favorite college players grow confident and skilled and pray that they get drafted to Our Team! That is how we live in the Land of Football.

A Fast Ride

This past weekend, my husband and I journeyed back to my home state of Illinois for the long Holiday weekend. We had 3/4 of the day Saturday & all day Sunday to enjoy my family's company. And boy are they company.

I say this because it always seems like something exciting has just happened every time I go home. This trip was no different. A friend of mine had just recently gotten a little speeding ticket from a friendly, neighborhood, policeman.... little is putting it very very nicely. The worst part about it was that no one was mad, we were all just kind of like "deer in headlights" at the predicament. Luckily, my husband clears the air with "Well, I thought those things could do 105!" Like, geez, why didn't you put the pedal down further?!?! Good question, might as well have...

Through this seemingly quaint remark, I got the sense that my ever so sweet husband may be eluding to more than meets the eye. He was. He starts to tell me about how when he was in High School he and a buddy both had matching Ford Thunderbirds (Great cars, my mom had one and us kids would put our arms out the window and flap them like birds when she would drive fast. We always egged her on!) Anyways, these Thunderbirds got the nerve to "FLY" one night down a lonely deserted highway, at an hour too late for anyone to know, and too fast for anyone to remember. Oh and then there was the time, down a very popular Lincoln street, that the Thunderbird might have almost tripled the speed limit early into the wee hours of the morning. Good Grief!

I cringe at the thought of our future children ending up with any of these ideas born into them, I cringe even more at the thought of what they might get from me. I can't say that I'm much better than my husband. I will say that I have an insatiable need for speed! If you've ever seen an episode of the American version of Top Gear, I would be Rutledge. A total goof, a nerd, and a speed demon! I love to go fast, which may be why I've had to forfeit my license for a month before. Which may be why my car insurance was always slightly higher than other girls of high school age. Which may also be why I bought myself a 4 cylinder, in hopes of preventing "incidents" (it doesn't work).

Even now, when perusing through makes & models for my next car, I feel the need... the need for speed! I tell my husband I need the fastest production wagon on the planet, the Cadillac CTS-V Wagon! I'd be the coolest soccer mom, never late. He cringes until I explain that soccer is a figure of speech, our kids will play football.

A fast ride, that's all I'm looking for. Until i realize that I sound like a playboy... i mean a fast ride? Isn't that what every hot blooded 18-22 year old male is looking for, although this ride with two legs & not four wheels? Eww, i just compared myself to an adolescent male! Maybe i should rethink this whole fast ride thing & be glad that my husband got both of those out of his system a long time ago! :-) I should probably equate this whole thing to more of the tortoise and the hare, and stick with my 4 cylinder tortoise. After all, my friend has a V8 hare that may just have to site for a little while, while my 4 cylinder tortoise carts him around.

I "Heart" Technology

Here is a short ode to the techno savvy world we now live in.
Smartphone, I love you! When traveling i can easily map, search, and wind up at the best little restaurants around with just a few clicks of a button.
New Computer, you are so awesome! Everything i could ever need is already built in and soooo easy to use.
Internet, where would we be without you? I can use your wealth of information on phones, computers, cars, ereaders, etc... Plus... now I can blog!
:-)

The Plight of the 20 Something Female

Here I am; early twenties, 5 foot 10 inches, blonde hair, blue eyes, married, and with a good job. I'm totally satisfied, right?

The world has this perception that someone of my age has it so easy... no worries, no stress. HAHAHA! That's a funny joke. I try to laugh and smile at those who don't understand the awkward position a female is in at my age, but its kind of complicated. I wonder, am I the only one in this same struggle?

In the last few years I've accomplished everything that a single girl dreams of. Two years ago I received my degree from the University of Nebraska - GO SKERS! I've been sharing my life and life experiences with a great man for over three years, and we just tied the knot a couple of months ago. I have a job at a great company, and have been there for 4 and 1/2 years now. Perfect, right?

As it turns out, on the surface life is great! However, there are things deep inside of me that aren't satisfied or sure that I've really made the right moves in this chess game of life. As I write this I am on the verge of a birthday that moves me into a new category, i will no longer be in my early twenties, I'll have to say I'm "Mid-Twenties". Yuck! No crows feet yet, thank goodness & fingers crossed!

In my almost Mid-Twenties life, i wonder where my place is. My younger friends are still unmarried and living it up, parties every weekend, new boys , hot fashions, and spontaneous. Me? I work 50 -60 hours a week, like to be in bed by 10 or 10:30, two drinks and hubby has to drive me home, and there is nowhere in this county that I could whip out cute fashion and not get crazy looks! My older friends are married with kids, they have play dates, family appearances to make, stories about their families, and limited time to spend with their non-child rearing friends (aka. me). I'm in an odd place; not quite the time and energy to hang with my younger friends, no kids to be able to relate to my older friends.

So, I should just find people my age. HAHA! Easier said than done where I live. Most people my age have gone off to school (like I did), and pursued careers in the big city (ok, big for this area). Careers, that's another topic. I have a job with a great company... but why do i feel like i'm there to improve the diversity statistic? I have a mind and have proven i have the potential, capabilities, and qualifications to go far, but still i feel trapped and pushed down by the male dominated industry I work in. I have a degree, i'm a licensed broker, and i work as someone' assistant. AKA.. i plan meetings and can order supplies. What? How did I get here? This was a promotion?

I know that eventually i will find a career that feeds off of my strengths, but it will take time. How much time? I don't want to be waking up everyday for the next 5 years struggling to get motivated to go to work. Maybe i should give it up, find a decent part time job and start a family. Or maybe i should continue searching, build my career and start a family later. I don't know! And to make matters worse, I have a great husband who will support me no matter what i do, and won't tell me what to do. (awful... i know i'm too lucky with him)

Oh, and besides all of the work/friend/social life drama, i'm still trying to figure out this whole marriage and family thing. No, not when to have a family, but how to incorporate two families into my life. If you know my family, that is enough to handle in itself. Now, lets add in my husband's family. There are stories, details on past family history, mini-relationships within the families... yeesh! Its alot to manage. Trying to bridge the almost 60 year gap between myself and grandma B, or ensure my mom that her quiet son-in-law likes her even if he doesn't say it (mom... not all of us are good at expressing ourselves like you).

Oh, and speaking of moms... my house is nowhere near mom or mom in-law ready. We've done some improvements, but i don't have the time to dust every week, or keep my laundry from spilling over the basket in the bedroom. My bathroom has the lived in look, my kitchen floors are clean, but not clean enough to eat off of.

Ok - STOP! i'm sure by now you think i'm slightly neurotic, overwhelming (my mother's favorite word), and possibly a tad controlling. I'm a people pleaser, I like to make others happy. I always feel responsible for the world.... heavy stuff... responsible for my world (that's more accurate).

I think at this point my plight at 20 something is complicated, but really simple at the same time. With all of these dilemmas what i really want is a purpose and to be happy. Don't get me wrong, my life is not awful, far from it! I just hope that i'm not the only one in this crazy struggle, that i'm not the only one who feels this torn in so many directions... or maybe I am just that much of a crazy worry wart!

Whatever the case may be, i'm sure it can be solved with a bottle of wine, a pedicure, and some good girl time! That's my solution to the plight of the 20 something female!